Not Really Happy?

Happiness is not, cannot be measured according to one’s righteousness.
It just can’t be.

I overheard a faithful Latter-day Saint bemoan her own economic struggles, and openly question why an acquaintance that had left the fold was prospering. She wondered why her lot was so tough, and the other family was obviously prospering. Where were her blessings? Why were they getting all of the blessings?

I am one of those people according to Elder Glen L. Pace in his classic talk They’re Not Really Happy (Ensign Nov. 1987) who has traded “telestial pleasure for celestial happiness and joy.”

I have let the faith of my youth. I suppose I have changed my address to General Delivery, the Great And Spacious Building.

Is that really how God works?

I cannot be really happy. Real joy will never be mine.

I am outside of the faith now.

And. I am happy.

Mental gymnastics make my head hurt. You would think after all of the years and all of the practice I have had in the sport, bending and twisting logic to explain the black and white in front of my face would be second hat.

I understand the mind-set. What else can I expect? I lived my life by the same ideals.

Maybe I am just out of practice.

Used to be when I would look at someone else who living life outside of the rules of life within the Church, my mind would go into default mode.

“They’re not really happy.”

I am happy. Even though I see those people doing all of the things I would like to do, it is me who is happy.

Not them. Nope.

Sounds pretty superficial, I get that. But, I am not talking about the people who went bowling on Sunday or who kept their tithing money in their own pockets.

What I did see were women who seemed happier. I would tell myself that was an illusion. I was the happy one. I had the Gospel of Jesus Christ, after all.

I was supposed to among the happiest people on earth.

But then I would see someone else receive some great “blessing” and the jumping-through-mental-hoops would start all over again.

How is it that I am over here struggling, and they are apparently getting all of the blessings?

These “blessings” were not necessarily material in nature. Happy people, happy moms were everywhere I looked.

They had balance. I teetered on the edge of falling to pieces.

Still, I found other places to shift the blame. My confirmation bias auto-corrected. I was being tested. By a loving God. I would be the better for it.

The Refiner’s Fire was melding me into something amazing.

Except that I just felt charred.

And when it didn’t feel right, I blamed myself for a profound lack of faith and commitment. I slipped back into the drowning pool.

Of course, that was then...

The truth stares me in the face. God is no respecter of persons. I have heard that one before. The rain falls on the just and the unjust. There is no rhyme or reason to why some do well, and others fare worse.

Happiness is a nebulous concept.

Maybe there is happiness to be found along other paths. Maybe the path to happiness is letting others go along on their own paths as they see fit, and wish them happiness along the journey.