Love, Your Daughter

Dear God,

I’m not even sure you are there. Or what is out there. You used to fill up all of the unknown and scary spaces, past where the light stopped shining. Looking out the window on a dark night, I was unafraid of what was out there because I knew you were there.

 

But that was a long time ago.

Now I am not sure who you are. I don’t even know if you are real. Well, okay. My deepest thoughts tell me there is something out there. I can’t shake the thought that there is a force of love somewhere in the universe. But that almost asks more questions than it answers.

 

Before the disaffection that turned my life upside down, it was easy to put square pegs in square holes and round ones in round holes, a reason for all of the chaos in the world. Everything I cut my teeth on since I was in CTR class taught me that God, you, bless those who obey and punish, or at least teach, those who do not walk up to the things expected of them. Didn’t we sing this in Primary?
  

Keep the commandments, Keep the commandments,

In this there is safety, in this there is peace.

He will send blessings, he will send blessings…

Words of the prophet, keep the commandments,

In this there is safety and peace.

 

Safety and peace. Yet so much of the world is entirely devoid of all of these things. Small children die on street corners. Buildings crumble around the elderly and nursing mothers, war rages as children are born and die. Now I just don’t understand why. 

 

Or if you are there, why do you stay your hand? Where is the love in that? Where is the peace?

 

It’s not that I want to disregard you. The fact is I would love to think that you are out there. I’ve played with the idea several times, wondered about what God might mean outside of the definition I was raised to accept blindly. Could God just love everyone, no matter who they were? Is it possible that the tedious and repressive conditions purported to be the requirements for getting into heaven were just so much manmade hogwash?
 

Could God be just about acceptance, comfort, and love? Maybe that’s something I could believe in. Maybe I’ll never understand why all of the bad stuff happens around the world. But if I thought that you loved all of your children the same, that your only real requirement for humankind was to find a way love to each other and just do the best that you can…

 

Maybe I could believe in that.

 

Until then, I will find a way to mend my own broken heart. I don’t rely on you for that anymore. I don’t think I can look to you for explanations for questions I cannot answer. I’m not really blaming you for that, God. I bought the line that people, other people just like me, had the wisdom and the voice to speak for you, to tell me what you wanted from me. Maybe I just need to find you far away from what other people think.

One last thing, God. If I could ask you one question, it would be this: How did your followers get things so mixed up? Don’t get me wrong, I love them. I know they mean well. But how did they get Judge not confused with you are not okay unless you act exactly like we think you should? Or, how did blessed are the peacemakers get buried beneath going to war in the name of God? I guess there are some things I can’t understand.

 

Maybe I am too far gone to feel your influence anymore. But, I still get the odd feeling that everybody else is making it too hard. What about just plain old love?

 

Don’t worry much about me. I am pretty happy. Life is really good. I’m just a little heartbroken still, from all of the judging and losing friends. But I’ll be fine. I’ve learned there are few if any others that I can honestly trust. And I’ve learned that the best way to get love is to give it, no strings attached. Part of me wishes that if you are there, are listening, that you really have no strings attached.

 

Love,

Your Daughter