Letter of apology

Dear Bxxxx Exxxx,

My name is Tom Perry. You probably don’t remember me, but I remember you. A few years ago you lived in my ward (XXXXXX Ward) for a brief period of time. In this ward, I was the Elder’s Quorum President. One evening, you let me and one of my councilors in your home. I went to your home knowing you were inactive with the intentions of being able to help resolve your concerns and potentially reactivate you. I also remember at the time you told us that you were separated from your wife.

There are a few reasons this particular evening has been forever scarred in my memory. Let me try to explain the events from my perspective so you can understand where I’m coming from. First and foremost, I remember you being very warm and welcoming. I remember you showing us your custom arcade machine (which I’m still very impressed about, by the way). Then the conversation slowly changed toward the Church. I remember you specifically responding to the question as to why don’t you attend. It was something like, “I just don’t think the church is what it claims. I don’t think the church is the one and only true church. I think it can be a good thing, I just don’t believe in it anymore.”

I remember being stunned and shocked. I recall asking if you had served a mission. I asked what your feelings were about your spiritual experiences while serving. You responded very politely and said that after much reflection and study you no longer believe those experiences were a direct consequence of the spirit. I seem to recall you said that you thought that the spirit might just be our own personal feelings and emotions, nothing else.

Now let me get to my reason for writing this. Just a few years after our meeting, I went through a crisis of faith of my own. It was completely unrelated to meeting with you, but I can’t help but think that some of your words planted a seed or two in my thoughts. I confronted the historical issue of the Mountain Meadows Massacre and all of its deep conflicts, which I had never fully understood until then. I turned to Apologetics, which only sped up my disaffection. About 18 months later I came to the conclusion that I no longer believe that the church is what it claims to be.

I confronted all those important in my life: spouse, friends and family. I collected my research and wrote a long letter to all of them. I was serving on the High Council at the time. It was a very dark time in my life. I suffered threats, shunning, and my marriage was on very thin ice. Only a very small number of people actually accepted me and my new changes. Long story short, my wife and I have found some common ground to rebuild our relationship from the ground up and are still happily together today. But, I have suffered permanent damage in other relationships, namely with parents and siblings. I do know the importance of good trustworthy friends in a time like that.

So, now that I am a disbeliever who still attends church for the sole reason to keep peace and hold his family together, I can’t help but reflect on that discussion we had that day. If I could go back, this is what I would have liked to have said to you: “Bxxxx, I can’t imagine the pain you are suffering and going through right now. I think it is immensely wrong that you have to suffer the loss of many committed and loved friendships because of your lack of belief in the church. I would like to offer you my friendship. And may I say this one thing. I commend you for your integrity. You stood up for what was honest and truthful, even at the risk and cost of losing relationships. You sir, are a man of honor and integrity. I am proud to say that I have met you and had the chance to have spoken with you.”

So in the end Bxxxx, can I just say one thing? I am truly sorry. I am sorry that I didn’t listen to you. I am sorry I responded exactly the way the church would have wanted me to respond. I’m sorry that I wasn’t a friend for you in that dark time. If only I would have genuinely listened to you instead of dismissing you outright... Who knows.

This letter may seem a bit silly and a bit over reactive, but I needed to say it. That meeting with you has kept me up at night. I’ve been ashamed of my actions that day and I hope that someday you could forgive me. Maybe you hold no resentment towards me, well then maybe all this is just a way where I can begin to forgive myself.

-Tom