The Final Goodbye

"In a major policy announcement, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints says children living in a same-sex household may not be blessed as babies or baptized." - KUTV

The story blew up social media. I read it once, twice. Three times before it sank in. I had no idea, no clue that this would ever come to pass.

I had no idea that this would hit me like  it did, like reliving that first wave of realization at the beginning of my faith crisis all over again.

I typed the words into the YouTube search bar. Come, Come Ye Saints. I don’t know what possessed me; perhaps this was what was needed for me in this moment, a last, final benediction. I watched parts of the accompanying video. Lights bounced off the copper-gold pipe organ columns. I stood under them, from 1000 miles due east, and watched with the eyes of an earnest 11-year-old visiting Temple Square for the first time. The next scene came from a reenactment of the Mormon trek; men in pioneer garb dug into the frozen ground burying another casualty to the harsh journey West. Tears streamed freely down my face, hot, raw, scalding. I wept freely, but not for the lives of those left in a trail of sorrow that first hard winter, nor for the empty hearts of the mothers who left them there. Not this time.

I wept for the children buried now by the policy change for same-sex families. I wept, heartily, for the cold steel cutting through these families with impersonal, surgical precision. All is not well in Zion. It never will be again.

I wept, for the memories, for the tribe I loved, for the Gospel I lived, and for the raw wound, the knowledge that this final schism was the end of it for me, that though the question was never really asked I had the final answer. I would not, could not return. Not now. Not ever.

My Mormon story is over. It is done.

The song ended. Music cued up for another hymn. I barely listened to the military ballad, but I could not close the window. This was the last long glance from the back window of the station wagon as the moving truck pulled away from the curb, the final goodbye to the home that had housed my soul for most of my life. Despite faith crises, beyond resignation letters, home had always been home.

The third, the final song rang through the speakers, and the tears overcame me. Amazing Grace. How could there be anything left of grace now? Never again will my heart quicken at the sight of the temple. Nevermore will passages of the Book of Mormon leave me to wonder if my doubt had been hasty, if my worries had been misplaced. I closed the window, unable to listen any longer. No longer was there an open question, just a period at the end of a sentence.

The ties are cut and I am done.

Post on FairMormon Blog...When the Saints Go Marching Out of Control

I actually like much of what was said in this blog post.

Especially this:  "One should not cease to love a relative because they change the way they believe. Likewise, one should not attempt to rip away the beliefs of family members simply because one’s own views have changed. "
Read more... When the Saints Go Marching Out of Control.

Former Area Authority Speaks to New York Times about Doubts

A lot of hubbub is floating around many mormon circles concerning an article posted from the New York Times on July 20th. In the article Laurie Goodstein speaks to Hans Mattsson who is a former Area Authority in Europe who no longer believe in the church because of researching conflicting information concerning the LDS church’s history. In the article Greg Prince states:

“Consider a Catholic cardinal suddenly going to the media and saying about his own church, ‘I don’t buy a lot of this stuff,’ ” Mr. Prince said. “That’s the level we’re talking about here.” He said of Mr. Mattsson, “He is, as far as I know, the highest-ranking church official who has gone public with deep concerns, who has had a faith crisis and come forward to say he’s going to talk about it because maybe that will help us all to resolve it.”

I’m extremely grateful that Mr. Mattsson has gone public with his experience. There are many people out there that are going through their own “crisis of faith” and it brings a great deal of comfort to know that someone who was in his position can go through something similar. It brings me comfort even if has been a few years since I dismantled my own belief system.

You can access the NYT article here.

The short accompanying video clip.

And be sure to listen to his recent interview on Mormon Stories Podcast as well.

You can also access the transcript on the Special Fireside for Disaffected Swedish LDS Saints Speakers featuring Elder Marlin K. Jensen (LDS Church Historian) and Richard E. Turley Jr. (Assistant Church Historian) Held on November 28, 2010. Location: Västerhaninge Chapel; Stockholm, Sweden.

Quinn's Cookie Exchange

Author Angela Felsted's newest book is called Chaste.  Quinn Walker is the main character, and unusual young man.  Among his peculiarities  Quinn is a young man who knows his way around the kitchen.  We are proud to celebrate the release of this new novel and participate in Quinn's Cookie Exchange.  Here is one of my personal favorites:  (More about Chaste in just a second.)

The recipe sounds weird, but the cookie is scrumptious and one of my all-time favorites!

ITALIAN RICOTTA COOKIES          

2 sticks real butter

2 c. granulated sugar

1/2 tsp. salt

1 lb. Ricotta cheese

2 eggs

1 tsp. vanilla

Grated orange zets from 1 orange

4 1/2 c. flour

1 tsp. baking powder

1 tsp. baking soda

Cream butter; add sugar and continue creaming. Add egg and Ricotta and vanilla; beat well. Sift together flour, baking powder and baking soda, salt; add to batter.

Drop about a teaspoon of dough on ungreased baking sheet. Bake at 350 degree oven about 10 minutes until edges are lightly browned. Cool.

FROSTING:

2 c. confectioner's sugar

1/4 c. butter

3 tbsp. milk

1/2 tsp. vanilla

Mix well and put on top of cookies and sprinkles.

Yield: 5-6 dozen cookies

More about Chaste:
When he steps into his physics class on the first day of senior year, Quinn Walker is too exhausted from staying up all night with his three-month-old nephew to deal with moral dilemmas. As a devout Mormon who has vowed to wait until marriage for sex, the last thing he needs is a very hot and very sexy Katarina Jackson as his physics partner. Regrettably, he has no choice.

Kat feels invisible in her mansion of a home six months after losing her older brother in a fatal car crash and will do anything to get her parents' attention. Since her pastor father has no love for Quinn's "fake" religion and her ex-boyfriend refuses to leave her alone, she makes an impulsive bet with her friends to seduce her holier-than-thou lab partner by Christmas.

Still want more?  Watch the trailer!

Redemption

When I was young, my grandparents home was not overly warm and inviting to many of the grandchildren in my family.  I was one of them.  But my grandparents had a large atlas and I spent hours and hours flipping through the pages, tracing my fingers along rivers and roads I had never seen before.  The maps were my favorite plaything during the times I visited their home in the Ozarks.  Sitting cross-legged in the middle of a circle of trees that my cousins and I nicknamed “the grove” I loved to open up the atlas to states like New Hampshire and Oregon, imagining the names of the people I would meet in towns like Bend and Londonberry.  I faced a stern scolding from my grandmother if I was caught with the atlas outdoors, but it was always worth the risk.  Besides, I knew without a doubt that I would never cause harm to come to the map.  I knew that I was trustworthy even if they did not. 

When we were younger, my older sister and I had a silent pact.  We never got along very well, but we were both soldiers in the same war.  Neither would betray the other.  Although unsaid, we had each other’s back, especially for the sake of our younger brother.  The time came, inevitably, when that changed and I felt the bitter sting of her betrayal.  Once after I had received a severe tongue lashing from my grandmother for using words she felt were too big for me at my age, I sought refuge in the atlas and a quiet corner on the front porch of the house.  My sister knew where I was, and she knew that for once, I had been called to task for my different and quirky ways.  By this time, jealousy and misunderstanding had crept in and clouded the unspoken truce we once shared. 

Knowing I was already down, my sister found my hiding spot and, grabbing the page I was turning ripped down the center of Minnesota.  I sat in disbelief for a moment, staring at her and wondering why she would do that to me.  Her revenge was complete, and as my grandmother stepped through the front door and found me sitting there with the ripped atlas in my hands, every last accusation she had ever thrown at me came true on the spot.  I was not one of her favorites.  I came to realize many years later that she had a special dislike for any of the blond haired girls in the family. 

From that day forward, my place in the family was determined.  My guilt was set in stone.  Though we have spoken very little since the days I stepped out on my own, my grandmother always found a way to preach the gospel of my guilt to me through cards and letters and lectures, even through third parties.  I was never redeemed in her eyes.  I stopped trying.  My grandmother passed away more than two years ago.

Redemption has become a theme in my life, and I never understood how much until my faith compass shattered into a million pieces.  Walking away from the fold  and in front of the faithful masses left me in a state of vulnerability unlike anything I had ever known.  Belonging to the group is safe.  Walking on the outside is dark and cold and lonely. 

For a little while refuge came in the collective anger of others like me.  But that went against my own true nature and I found myself once again on the outside looking in.  For a little while I clung tightly to God and all that I had come to think was wrong with the Mormon worldview, but that soon fell by the wayside, too.  My place in the world was no longer clear.  I was without a map and a grove a trees in which I could hide and find the stillness of refuge.

By now, I honestly thought that this quest would be a thing of the past.  I was wrong.  I still find myself yearning for pearls of redemption.    I face the test of my resolve constantly.  It happened again just the other day, but in the trial  I was handed a gift.  I came face to face with two of my harshest critics; two people that at one time meant the world to me.  I was a guest in their home and had a constant place at their table.  When my faith collapsed that place closed, and so did their hearts.  When met  the familiar coldness was evident with one, but the other of the pair embraced me with opened arms.  My quest has taken me over many miles of rivers and roads to a place where I have begun to understand and accept that my personal values and ethics are okay.  I’m still quite the newbie, but I’m learning, slowly, that living a life in authenticity requires a kind of vulnerability and a ramrod straight backbone.  Maybe it is starting to pay off. That meeting the other day netted two small victories for me.

The first victory came with the bit of respect I received from this former ward member.  My life looked sunny and happy and hopeful to him.  I believe his reaction was sincere and genuine; he seemed glad for me. 

The second victory came more from within.  His companion was nowhere near as warm and gracious, the coldness and rejection were clear.   But I was able to leave the encounter with a smile on my face.  I want the approval; I still seek to remove the scarlet letter from my chest.  Only now, I am learning to weigh the costs against my own integrity.  Words still sting and rejection inspires tears and hurt, but there is a freedom in the acceptance that it is a losing battle.  I am learning to move forward, to move on.  And like the atlas, there are some conclusions cemented in the hearts and minds of others that I will never be able to live down. I might as well walk my own path and be happy with the few who are content to walk alongside me than to wring my hands over those who take exception and offense to the road I am on.  

Q & A With Author Sophia L. Stone, Part 2

Read more of the interview with the author of Mormon Diaries.  Sophia L. Stone discusses her views on religion, and what it would take to make the Church a better place for all.

Q:     If the Mormon leadership acknowledged all your major issues and took active steps

toward reforming the faith in a direction you agreed with, would your doubts remain, or do you think you would be able to find a home again in the church?

If the leadership made the following steps, I might be able to stay and feel comfortable, but not because I believe Joseph Smith was a prophet. My belief in the church as a God-made institution is probably beyond redemption.

•             Stop claiming Mormonism has more truth than other religions.

•             Recognize baptisms performed by other Christian religions.

•             Ordain women to the priesthood and give them the same opportunities as men.

•             Stop trying to canonize rigid gender roles.

•             Marry same-sex couples in the temple.

•             Allow family members to see their loved ones get married in the temple regardless of

      their standing in the church.

•             Stop requiring people to pay a full tithe to enter the temple.

•             Stop canceling the baptisms and sealings of those who resign or are excommunicated from the church.

•             Get rid of the endowment ceremony or (at the very least) admit openly that it doesn't go back to the time of Solomon.

Q:     Who should read your book?

Anyone who wants to better understand how religions indoctrinate children, how they can unite and separate families, how they can bring peace and turmoil at the same time. Anyone who wants a more personal understanding of how it feels to grow up in a legalistic religion that values trust and obedience more highly than free thought, or anyone who wants to understand Mormonism.

Please don’t misread that to mean my book is factually perfect. It’s not. It is based on my experience, and everyone’s reality is different. But I stand by my claim that people who leave Mormonism are often in an isolating place. It’s hard for an orthodox believer to understand why anyone would leave. It’s hard for those who’ve never been in a fundamentalist religion to understand why leaving one is such a big deal. To both these groups, I’d say, “please read this!” Understanding is vital.

Q:       What do you hope for people who read your book? For non-Mormons, what would

 you like them to take away from it?

For non-Mormons, I'd like an increase of understanding for those who are in the faith. With Mitt Romney in the spotlight lately, I think Mormons have been held up to a lot of ridicule. To an outsider, looking in, there are just so many strange beliefs that make people scratch their heads--aspiring to godhood, wearing sacred underwear, believing in a planet called Kolob. How can anyone believe this stuff? It just seems incomprehensible. I mean, Richard Dawkins has been calling Romney an idiot for weeks just because he believes this stuff, and Richard Dawkins is an intelligent man. At least, I thought he was an intelligent man . . .

Does Dawkins not realize that if every important person in a child's life tells him that purple is actually green from birth until death, the child will have no reason to believe otherwise? Does Dawkins not realize that if you send that child on a mission, make him knock on doors for two years with limited contact from his family in an effort to convince the world that purple is actually green, that he will become more entrenched in that idea? Does Dawkins not realize that any belief, no matter how bizarre it is to the mainstream, can seem perfectly reasonable if it's embraced by nearly every significant influence around you?



Sophia L. Stone is the author of Mormon Diaries. She's a seeker, learner, reader, and nature Lover. If you're on twitter, you can ask her any question about Mormonism @ask_a_mormon

Q & A with Author Sophia L. Stone Part 1

Author Sophia L. Stone shares a few thoughts about her novel Mormon Diaries.  Look for more from Sophia in the coming days on The Peacewriter.

Q:         What does the ornament on the cover stand for?

A:  As a child I was taught that the only way I could experience true joy was by living the Gospel of Jesus Christ as found in Mormonism. The ornament is symbolic of that joy. Or, more particularly, what I feared I’d lose if I ever stopped believing in The Church.

 Q:       Why did you hide your faith struggles from those closest to you?

A:  I was afraid my faithful Mormon family and friends would think me either prideful or influenced by Satan if I admitted to doubting The Church. There’s a common phrase faithful Latter-day Saints use to explain away uncomfortable issues: “The Church is true. The people are not.” Those who leave the church are often labeled as angry, easily offended, prideful, lazy, or deceived. There’s no good reason to doubt, no good reason to question, no good reason to stop believing. Faith yields loyalty and obedience.

Q:          How is your family coping with this? Do they support you?

A:  Well, it depends on what part of my family you’re talking about. My kids have been great, but they’re pretty young. I’m continually amazed by the open mindedness and trust of small children. I really think Jesus knew what he was talking about when he said that unless we become as little children we cannot enter the kingdom of heaven.

My husband, on the other hand, is having a really hard time. We’ve had to do some negotiating about the kid’s religious education. He wants them to believe in Mormonism and is very much attached to the outcome. The thought of his kids choosing to leave the LDS church is absolutely devastating to him.

There are certain things that (for him) are non-negotiable. The kids WILL get baptized at age eight whether I want that for them or not. The kids will continue to go to the Mormon church each Sunday until they turn twelve. (He’d said eighteen originally, but has since softened). 10% of his income will continue to go to The Church whether or not I agree with that particular donation. We’re a single income family so that’s a pretty big deal, but he’s frightened, truly frightened that if he stops paying a full tithe, he’ll lose his job.

Although, in fairness, he say it has nothing to do with fear. Rather, he has faith in the principle of tithing. God will bless him for his financial sacrifice.

As for the rest of the family, my mother is struggling, the brother just younger than me acts as if he doesn’t know, my older brother has been accepting, and my sister is unpredictable. I’m not even sure how to characterize that relationship at this point. So overall it’s been a mixed bag where tolerance is concerned. As for support—no, I do not have family support. Nor is it something I can reasonably expect.

 Q:   How do you get someone who thinks you’ve been influenced by Satan to

        consider your point of view?

A:  Short answer: you don’t.

Long answer: It’s odd to be on the other end of the “hate the sin, love the sinner” rhetoric. I always considered myself a fairly good, honest person. And I have to admit that I don’t feel like a different person just because I don’t believe in Mormonism like I used to. Certain things just don’t change, you know? I still like chocolate milk shakes. I still like people. I feel, in many ways, closer to God than I did a year ago. So it’s been kind of shocking to have people who always trusted me assume the worst.

  

 Q:    How has your change in beliefs affected your marriage and children?

A:  I think it has benefited my children in a number of ways. First, by showing them that goodness isn’t based on legalistic rules, they are more accepting of themselves and others. Second, by helping them see that there isn’t one right way to be a decent human being, they are able to think the best of people. Third, by opening up to other ideas and spiritual philosophies, they are more open as well.

As for my marriage, my change in beliefs has brought to light problems I’d been ignoring for years. Things having to do with power dynamics, issues with inflexibility, and some fundamental disagreements in parenting styles between my husband and I. My marriage has suffered and I worry about it often. But I also know that without the insights I have now, the relationship would continue to grow more unbalanced and necessary change would never occur.

I’m crossing my fingers and holding out hope in the marriage department.

 Q:    How has writing about your struggles helped you?

A:  There’s a saying that writing is cheaper than therapy, and I can attest to that. There’s no time limit on how long I can type away on my keyboard when I’m having a bad day. I don’t have to worry about the paper judging me. Plus, it’s helped me to put things in perspective.  

 Q:    Do you ever feel angry . . . if so, why?

A:  On my bad days, I feel more disappointment than anger. Mostly because I believed with all my heart the promises found in Mormonism. I thought I was happier than other people, that I had greater access to spirituality, that I knew my most important and fulfilling role. I believed I had divine knowledge and purpose. Now I’ve found that many of these promises are smoke and mirrors.

And I’m further disheartened when I see religion hurt families. You’d think a family centered church would shout from the rooftops not to shun family members who’ve fallen away. You’d think they’d allow non-believing parents to see their believing kids get married in the temple. You’d think they’d support all different kinds of families, not just those that meet one definition. But all too often an ideal is promoted that benefits the church over families that are struggling. “Traditional gender roles” and “conservative family values” are taught as religious principles.

Q:    Do you ever feel as though you've lost something in your fall away from 

 Mormonism? Do you have any regrets?

A:  Yes. I sometimes feel I'm lacking a strong sense of purpose. Back when I was a believer, I didn't have to worry so much about if I was doing the best thing with my life. I knew I was doing the best thing with my life--rearing my kids, being a good mom. Nothing mattered more. So it bothered me less that I hadn't pursued a lucrative career, or built amazing social networks, or done something that I, personally, felt was a fabulous accomplishment.

That said, I don't have any regrets. I used to hold onto my regrets like a stamp collector hoards stamps, but all that did was cause me misery. So now I look at the mistakes I've made, the people I've hurt, and the opportunities I've missed as part of who I am. Part of my learning process. No regrets allowed.

Sophia L. Stone is the author of Mormon Diaries. She's a seeker, learner, reader, and nature Lover. If you're on twitter, you can ask her any question about Mormonism @ask_a_mormon

I’m Tired

by Sophia L. Stone

Yes, it’s true. I’m just plain tired of talking about Mormonism and reacting to what Mormon leaders say about those of us who no longer believe. 

I had planned to satire the conference talks of Elder Cook, Elder Holland, and Elder Oaks in the coming weeks. But today, I find that I just don’t have the energy. Why try so hard to point out what is obvious to pretty much everyone that isn’t Mormon? Why spend so much time on a sophisticated rebuttal to a few speeches that lack basic logic and common sense? Is it just because these men don’t see it? Or does it have to do with power?

Would I really care about rebutting them if they had no power over my believing family?

Probably not.

So I’ve come up with a compromise. Instead of using satire to point out what is blatantly obvious to me, I’m going to show that Mormonism’s critics aren’t the only ones who take quotes out of context. I mean, listening to these words by Elder Cook, you’d think it’s a phenomenon limited to the church’s evil detractors:

Many who are in a spiritual drought and lack commitment have not necessarily been involved in major sins or transgressions, but they have made unwise choices. Some are casual in their observance of sacred covenants. Others spend most of their time giving first-class devotion to lesser causes. Some allow intense cultural or political views to weaken their allegiance to the gospel of Jesus Christ. Some have immersed themselves in Internet materials that magnify, exaggerate, and, in some cases, invent shortcomings of early Church leaders. Then they draw incorrect conclusions that can affect testimony. Any who have made these choices can repent and be spiritually renewed.

This is the part where I’m aching to point out that drawing conclusions before you’ve looked at the evidence is circular logic. And that labeling people immoral who think differently than you is reminiscent of George Orwell’s 1984. But since I’m trying to be nice today, I’ll cut to the chase and quote the part of Elder Cook’s talk that is a misrepresentation of a respected historical figure. 

C. S. Lewis, the striving, pragmatic Christian writer, poignantly framed the issue. He asserted that Christianity tells people to repent and promises them forgiveness; but until people know and feel they need forgiveness, Christianity does not speak to them. He stated, “When you know you are sick, you will listen to the doctor.”

This quote is located almost directly after Elder Cook makes it clear that if we read church history and come to different conclusions than he does, we need to “repent and be spiritually renewed.” I guess that means C.S. Lewis agrees that it’s a sin to stray from the restored gospel of Jesus Christ as revealed in its fullness through the prophet Joseph Smith.

What. Wait? You mean C.S. Lewis wasn’t Mormon?

Nope. He was Anglican when he wrote The Tales of Narnia and The Screw Tape Letters. And this is what he wrote to a lady in Salt Lake City while he was alive: 

"I am afraid I am not going to be much help about all the religious bodies mentioned in your letter of March 2nd. I have always in my books been concerned simply to put forward "mere" Christianity, and am no guide on these (most regrettable) "interdenominational" questions. I do however strongly object to the tyrannic and unscriptural insolence of anything that calls itself a Church and makes teetotalism a condition of membership."

It is believed that Lewis is referring to the "Word of Wisdom" with the word “teetotalism.” And while I wouldn’t call that irrefutable proof that Lewis wouldn’t have joined the church if missionaries had knocked on his door, there is plenty of evidence that the Christianity C.S. Lewis believed in and the Christianity Mormons adhere to are incongruent. 

For a detailed analysis, click here. http://dialoguejournal.com/wp-content/uploads/sbi/articles/Dialogue_V30N04_55.pdf

Sophia L. Stone is the author of Mormon Diaries. She's a seeker, learner, reader, and nature Lover. If you're on twitter, you can ask her any question about Mormonism @ask_a_mormon

Mormon Diaries by Sophia Stone

If you have not yet heard of this book, you are missing out.  Watch the book trailer here.  Intrigued?  Pick up your copy of the book here.

Watch The Peacewriter this week for more from author Sophia Stone.

Enough

Written by St. Jude

Maybe it’s enough to just feel the sun on a given day, or feel the rain bouncing off our bodies. While we go about our days worried over our choices of religion and how it’s affecting our relationships with our family and with God, we become completely blind to the day and the moments that surround us.  We wrap ourselves in worry, guilt, and fear, insulating us from the very simplicity we seek--the moment we stand in. We don’t own anything in this life. Families transition as easily as the landscape of up and coming cities as well as dying ones. We can only claim two things as our own in life: The moment we are currently in and space we take up within that moment and both are in constant transition.

I have spent endless hours poring over my faith and how to define it. More often I am left to wonder if I will ever define it and if I finally do settle on a definition I can’t help but wonder if it will turn out to be nothing more than a philosophy of warm fuzzies lacking just as much basis in reality as the religion I left.  I have pored over books, googled  for answers, and spent countless hours posting on boards set up to support those who have lost their faith thinking maybe I don’t have to reinvent the wheel after all. Surely people smarter than I have already asked these questions and have found the answers I’m looking for. But after losing myself in this search for so long I realize that answers only lead to more questions, more questions to more doubt, more doubt to more unanswered questions and while the cycle becomes all-consuming, life is marching past my window without me.  This is too high a price to pay in pursuit of finding answers to things that have gone unanswered long before our being here and will go unanswered long after we leave.

Maybe for some of us our time is better spent asking the questions that have answers; What does that grass feel like on bare feet, how hot is that pavement, how tight can your child or grandchild squeeze you with the biggest hug they can give, what do rocky mountain oysters really taste like, can I do one kind thing for a stranger every day for a month, how many leaves are on the branch I look out on every morning while I enjoy my breakfast…?

Two things, that is all we have, the moment, and the space we take up within that moment. At death the moment is gone and the space we take up will only be granted to us six feet below anyone’s view. Right now the space we claim has a much better view than the one will hold when we die. So what lies within your view? What’s in the space you’re sitting in right now? Is their family? Have you really engaged them today? Maybe a great view out that window? What’s the temperature of air that surrounds you right now? What sounds can you hear? Is there silence? Can you feel it?  Maybe living in the moment, asking questions that you can find answers to, is where we find God. If not, the very worst we can do is find ourselves.

I’m sure there are plenty of people who will read this and argue the importance of asking the difficult questions and the nobleness of a life spent in pursuit of those answers. If you are enjoying your journey, then who can fault you? But simple as it may seem, I have found answers to questions I didn’t know I was asking by asking the questions I could find answers to. For me, this is a much more enjoyable journey. Now, if nobody objects I’m heading outside to see if the clouds have cleared, the temperature has dropped, and can I see the stars tonight.

Reposted: Thoughts on Suicide

Few tragedies equal the loss of a loved one to suicide.  In honor of suicide prevention week The Peacewriter proudly reposts this essay by Tom Perry.  In addition to his work for The Peacewriter, Tom volunteers as a trained crisis center counselor.  His work after suffering a personal loss is inspirational.  Here are his thoughts:

I had to confront suicide of a good friend recently. I’ve been fortunate that this is the first time someone close to me has committed suicide. This was a whole new experience for me. I’ve dealt with death many times, some unexpected, some were a welcome from the suffering. What I found interesting was the unexpected emotions that I was confronted with. Anger, regret, betrayal were some of these. These are new emotions for me to tie with a death. I gotta tell you, this was new to me.

I spoke to this friend only hours before he took his own life. He left no note and his family hasn’t said much what they speculate as to what the cause may have been. I began to wonder why do we all need to find the reason, or cause of what caused him to do this? What if he had slowly been planning this? What if something completely out of the blue set him over the edge in one moment? But the real question is, why do we need to know? Is it to simply satisfy our need to calm our unclear nerves or minds? I think it is telling that all of us feel like we need to have a clear, logical answer to something that is completely unexpected and unnerving.

Suicide isn’t something that hasn’t crossed each of our minds at one time or another. As humans we all deal with emotions that involved depression. It’s not a good experience. Some require therapy and medication to cope with severe depression. I am not immune to this either. I have thought about taking my life to the extent of planning out an action to do it. I was in my teens and I was very depressed. This is nothing new looking from the outside in, but to me at that time, it was all consuming. Nothing else mattered. Nothing. I went as far as pushing the knife in causing only a small cut, but luckily I chickened out before it got really serious.

So in a very small way I found I was jealous of my friend. I know how messed up that sounds, but to be honest I still find myself with suicidal thoughts. But I never entertain those thoughts very long. As harsh as it sounds, suicide is a very selfish act and I could never put those I dearly love through something like that.

In fact, my 12 year old daughter recently told me that she has thought about suicide from time to time. This wasn’t something that I wanted to hear from her. After I calmed myself down I sat next to her and told her about my friend. I told her some brief things about him. Things like he was a father of 4 kids, had a great job and how generally happy he was. I then went on and told her about the times I’ve thought about it as well. With her eyes wide open I said, “Tell you what. If you do decide to go through with it please come talk to me before you do anything. And in return, I will do the same to you. And even after talking to me if you are still determined to still go through with it, we will do it together. Because, to be completely honest with you sweetie, I just don’t want to be around if you won’t be here to share life with me. So what do you think? Deal?” With tears in both of our eyes, we did a pinky swear on it. So the deal is now set in stone.

I’m still having a tough time coping with my friend taking his life. I wish I could have been a better friend to him. Someone he felt like he could trust and confide in. But I loved him and even if I was that friend he may have still done this. Who really knows? But what I do know is that death is hard to cope with, but suicide is something that I wish on no one. Suicide is easy for the one who does it, but the family and friends who are left. Man. That just isn’t fair. I just wish that my friend would have taken a moment to really consider those who loved him dearly before himself.

So if you are in that place, or just simply considering it, will you do us all a favor and talk to someone first? Anyone. In fact, I freely extend the offer of a listening ear. I do know how overwhelming those feelings can be.

The Best New Podcast You Are Missing Out On

Another Mormon themed podcast?  Really?  

Yeah, really.  And you are going to want to check these guys out.  This one is a little different, and a lot awesome.

Infants on Thrones.  Listen to the promo and the intro, then dive in to the first regular podcast called "Guilt."  You'll be glad that you did!

In case you missed that link...here it is again.  http://infantsonthrones.com/

Oh , and you just might run in to some old friends.

Still here?  Go, go already!

WARNING: MORMON NIGHT

Out of the Blue

The phone rang the other day.  The area code was a bit curious and when he answered it, my husband had a puzzled look on his face.  We were in the car an hour from home.  He stopped, parked on the side of the road, and chatted with a young LDS missionary for several minutes.

I wondered a few times over the past four years if this was ever going to happen.  In the beginning of my journey out of the Church, I thought a lot about it.  What would I say if someone tried to reconvert me, or one of mine, to Mormonism?  In the beginning, I would have been snarky.  I would have been angry.  I had a list in my head of the things I would bring up, problems with the doctrine, historical issues, and challenges to the glistening white Seminary version of the history.

Since then my anger has been ruined, spoiled for lack of a better word.  All of the frustration toward a representative of the Church (anyone will do, even a starry-eyed kid from Provo) simply melted away like a chocolate ice cream cone in July.  Oh, curses! 

When my husband turned the phone over to me (he was actually working and required to get out of the car) nothing snarky found its way into my brain.  No harsh words for Joseph Smith and his practices in polyandry, nothing even from Brother Brigham and Mountain Meadows Massacre.

All I could think about was the young woman, sitting on the phone with her name tag glowing in the light of her enthusiasm.  I thought of the person who put our names in for the referral, and, as hard as I tried, I was not even able to conjure up harsh feelings toward him.

As I spoke with the young missionary, warm words came out of my mouth.  I recalled many of the good things that come with being a Mormon.  I thought about the sense of community, the service-ready hearts that come at the first word of a need or a tragedy.  I thought of the quiet stillness in the Celestial Room, and the hush that falls over the chapel during the passing of the Sacrament. 

I didn’t set an appointment to meet with the missionaries.  I’m not reconverting to the Church.  My worries and issues with history, homophobia, and misogyny didn’t disappear in a single phone call.

I thought back to the 2011 Mormon Stories Conference, to Joanna Brooks talk.  I am a former member of the Church.  I resigned my membership in 2008.  But still, parts of my Mormon upbringing and heritage go beyond a name on a database.  Like she said, you can’t wash that out.

Like Joanna, and John Dehlin, and Mitch Mayne, and people who continue to talk about bridge building, and finding a place for everyone have made their mark on my heart and mind.  Sitting in the car with the phone up to my ear, I heard the earnest sincerity in the young sister’s voice; her beautiful testimony passed through my ears and curled up in a warm place inside my heart.  

After the call ended, I looked up another number.  The missionary gave me the name of the person who had referred us to the missionaries.  As I dialed that number, I pictured heads bowed around a dinner table asking for the spirit to bless my family, to open our hearts to the truth once more.  I expected to feel irritation, insult, and annoyance.  But I came up with nothing.  Except that I was touched, greatly moved by the love that accompanied the thought.  I called the person, and I thanked him for his love and thoughtfulness, and I told him that I know where the desire had come from.

The interesting thing is that I would have traded anything for someone to have tried to reach out when as my testimony died a slow and painful death.  In those days I was met with disdain, misunderstanding, even bitterness from people who used to have me over for dinner.  It might sound counterintuitive, but I prefer this.  I prefer the olive branch.  Anger is overrated.

I am for peace.  I am for those in The Middle Way.

Kevin Kloosterman in The Advocate

Former LDS Bishop (and Peacewriter author) Kevin Kloosterman shared an op-ed piece in the The Advocate.  In the piece, he relates how a simple television show began to break down his preconceived opinions of LGBT people.  Wonderful read.
http://www.advocate.com/commentary/2012/07/13/former-mormon-bishop-says-queer-eye-changed-his-mind-lgbt-equality

When He Stopped Believing in the July Ensign

Please read this beautiful article.  I read this with tears, joyful tears that someone somewhere is listening.  The advice is simple: her spouse stopped believing.  The answer to her prayers came as "love him!  

I hope this is the beginning of a new climate of love and acceptance for mixed belief marriages in the Church.

This is a good day for the people struggling to make it work.   

LDS Therapists Should Abandon Harmful Ex-Gay, Conversion, Reparative and Re-Orientation Therapies

Paul’s story is not uncommon.  I have heard it dozens of times since I came out last year in support and advocacy of our LGBT sisters and brothers.  Paul did not choose to be gay.  In fact, he did everything that his church leaders counseled him to do including getting married.   He was told that getting married along with prayer and fasting, would take care of “the problem”.  Finding that marriage and “praying the gay away” did not turn him straight, Paul eventually had the heartbreaking talk that no spouse wants to hear.  His wife was understandably upset, shocked, and shaken.  She too had been conditioned to believe that these “tendencies” were a matter of will power and choice and could be simply corrected through referrals by leaders to marriage and family relations classes and “reparative therapy”.  As is most often the case, the result did not meet expectations and she blamed Paul for his inability to become heterosexual.  She began to withdraw her support, believing that he simply wasn’t motivated enough to change his sexual orientation.  They ended up divorcing and Paul began to be engulfed in feelings of self-hatred and self-loathing.  Feeling abandoned and increasingly isolated, depression escalated to the brink of Paul having suicidal thoughts and planning to take his own life.  Such is the case with many of our loved ones, friends, and neighbors who are LGBT.  Tragically many of them do end up taking their own lives.  In fact, LGBT individuals who face rejection from their families are shown to have significantly higher suicide rates.  Many LDS mental health professionals, such as myself, have come to realize that it is not the orientation of an individual that can cause depression and suicide but more often it is the rejection of family and community, as well as the homophobic rhetoric and actions of others that push many LGBT individuals to the brink.  But now new information has recently become available that has and will continue to radically change the therapeutic landscape.

A few weeks ago, Robert Spitzer, a prominent psychiatrist and researcher who authored a controversial study in 2001, apologized to the gay community.  His 2001 study on “reparative”, “conversion”, or so called “reorientation” models of therapy supported the notion of Paul, his wife, and many local church leaders, that LGBT individuals could indeed become straight through these models of therapy.  Although many researchers and therapists thought the study was already on shaky methodological ground to begin with, there were also many therapists, researchers, and authors on the subject of homosexuality and mental health who referred to this study as the definitive proof that such models were scientifically acceptable, ethical, and competent.  In many respects it was the keystone study that most non-affirming models of therapy relied on.   It turns out that Spitzer was wrong, his study was flawed, and in an unprecedented mea culpa he withdrew his support for his own study and has now apologized to the LGBT Community.  The last thread of competent scientific support for these models of therapy has been cut.

            To be fair to Spitzer, he is also notable for his bold efforts in 1973 to take homosexuality out of the Diagnostic Statistical Manual (DSM) that mental health professionals use to diagnosis mental health disorders.  Spitzer should be credited for taking this important step.  However, many therapists and counselors were still slow to embrace this change and continued to see being LGBT as a mental health disorder that could be changed through counseling or as an addiction that could be managed.  With Spitzer’s notoriety and credentials as someone who clearly was not anti-gay, his 2001 study accelerated the use of “reparative” therapies.  Books were written.  Success stories were hailed.  Money was made off of the hope for a supposed cure or control for homosexuality.  Thankfully, Spitzer in the end did not want his legacy or his name tied to this movement.  Likewise, do we who are LDS mental health professionals want to be tied to a legacy of unfounded, non-evidence based models of treatment that are ineffective at best and at worst destructive to the mental and emotional well-being of LGBT individuals and their families?

In addition to Spitzer’s historic and monumental announcement, another study by Renee Galliher, Ph. D., John Dehlin, M.S., and Bill Bradshaw, Ph.D. has also come out showing empirical support that LGBT Mormons typically do not benefit from reparative therapy and many of them have in fact been harmed by those models.  The research is well worth reading and may be one of the first of its kind to assess the efficacy of different treatment modalities with the LGBT Mormon population.   Preliminary results of that study can be found here:   http://ldshomosexuality.com/wp-content/uploads/USU-LDS-SSA-Newsletter-v1.pdf

The Church Handbook of Instructions wisely advises ecclesiastical leaders to encourage members not to “use medical or health practices that are ethically or legally questionable” and instead encourage members “to consult with competent professional practitioners who are licensed  . . .” (CHI 2010, 17.2.6, pg. 162).  I can’t think of more ethically questionable models of therapy than ones that attempt to change orientation and are sometimes developed and run by unlicensed individuals.  I believe it is up to us as LDS mental health professionals to help educate the LDS Community to know what is helpful, ethical, competent, safe, and evidence based practice in mental health treatment for our friends and family members.  Promoting orientation as an “addiction” or telling individuals and families that non-credible treatment models are effective should not continue.

I believe we need to turn our backs on these models, as well as the equally ineffective or destructive view that somehow orientation itself is an addiction.  It is not unusual for LGBT Mormons to be referred to church sponsored addiction recovery groups and programs due to their orientation.  Like many other Mormon therapists have come to realize, I have found that there are more affirming models that will promote the mental and emotional well being of LGBT Mormons that are scientifically sound and also consistent with Christ-Centered principles.   I believe that 20-30 years from now the practice of reparative therapy for LGBT individuals will be viewed with ethical abhorrence in a similar way as we now look back at the eugenics movements of the early and mid twentieth century.

Thankfully, more affirming and evidence-based models of care for LGBT individuals and their families are being developed.  One of the most promising is the Family Acceptance Project developed by Dr. Caitlin Ryan and her colleagues.  Their family support work is based on rigorous research with LGBT youth, young adults and families. Their studies are published in peer reviewed journals starting with the first study on family rejection -- published in the distinguished journal Pediatrics in 2009 -- that showed a clear link between parental and caregiver rejection of lesbian, gay and bisexual youth with negative health outcomes such as drug use, depression, and suicide and HIV risk in young adulthood.  Thus, to a greater extent than was previously understood, the critical work that must be done is with the family and the community to help educate them on interactions that will be supportive and affirming.  For more information on The Family Acceptance Project and Dr. Caitlin Ryan’s research, please visit:  http://familyproject.sfsu.edu/.

Recognizing that spirituality can be one of many important protective factors against suicidal ideation, Dr. Ryan has attuned her work and research into being culturally sensitive to the religious and spiritual milieu of LGBT individuals and their families.  Her work will soon generate the first evidence - based education materials for LDS families with LGBT children followed by an education program specifically targeted and customized to the needs of LGBT Mormons and their families.   It is expected that her materials for Mormon families of LGBT individuals will start to be released in July 2012.

Educating families and other crucial members of an LGBT individuals’ support system may be one of our most important challenges and opportunities as LDS mental health professionals.  Families, school officials, community and church leaders need to know what interactions are potentially harmful and what interactions are helpful with our loved ones, students, and neighbors.  Knowing this could be a matter of life and death.  Many LDS therapists have already changed course and become more affirming of orientation in their practice.  These pioneering Mormon therapists search for safe pathways through a homophobic wilderness and a polarizing political, cultural, and religious climate.  LGBT Mormons are particularly vulnerable.  On one hand they hear loud angry voices telling them to leave their “hate filled” religion, and on the other hand religious, cultural, and political extremists in the church continue to use the church to promote fear, long dispelled myths about being gay, and even hateful words and actions towards LGBT Mormons.  Dr. Ryan’s evidence – based, competent research and compassionate family intervention approach will only bolster those therapist’s conceptual models and effectiveness in helping their LGBT clients navigate these challenges as well as the essential component of educating family members how to become a safe and protective shield for their loved ones against these angry voices.

Now more than ever before, competent, fair-minded, LDS mental health professionals need to protect the emotional and mental health of our LGBT clients and educate families, community, and church officials in the LDS Community.  I am confident that as LDS therapists take these steps, not only will we be more competent and effective in helping individuals such as Paul and his family members, but we will also help save lives.

Kevin Kloosterman, LMFT is a mental health professional in Illinois who works in an outpatient mental health hospital setting and in private practice.  He has been a licensed marriage and family therapist for 12 years and is an advocate and ally for LGBT individuals in and out of the church.

Forgiveness

Written by St. Jude

A few weeks ago I decided to run away from home for a few days. I received some really bad news. So bad that when I heard it, I began to shake and then just kind of went numb. I ran away to my sister’s house and announced to her that I didn’t want to talk about it.  She was amazing and let me stay as long as I needed to. I wanted to stay forever, but eventually you have to grow up and go home and face life. Somewhere out along the I-10 it seemed like the closer I got to home the more the numbness began to wear off. The shaking returned along with uncontrolled tears and anger. I didn’t deserve this, and I knew I didn’t. I wanted to pull my car off on to a dirt road out the middle of the desert and get out and scream at anything that would listen, a lizard, a snake, a scorpion it didn’t matter. A thousand and one thoughts raced through my head. I glanced up at a sky that looked completely void of life or anyone or anything who cared and with every cell in my body I yelled “F____! I proceeded to “F this, and F that.” In the back of my head I realized I looked like a crazy women; 50 years old, driving through the dessert yelling profanities at a universe that probably wasn’t listening. And it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter that no one saw my dance of insanity out in the desert, or that no one showed up with any answers to my problems. It was like the freedom you feel when you are alone; dancing to the radio, completely lost in the melody. Having no partner to dance with is hardly the issue.  But, the thing of it is, I felt better. Well, most of me felt better, my throat hurt for 3 days.

This one event made me feel so much better that I started wondering what else I could do that might make me feel better about life. To answer this I had to ask myself what doesn’t make me feel good about my life.

What I ended up with was a list of everything I have never forgiven myself for. It amazed me the things I was still carrying around. I had managed to still be feeling guilty about things I had done at age 9. And as ridiculous as it was, the feelings of guilt were no less real. I totaled up 28 things I had not forgiven myself for. Looking at the list was depressing. It really doesn’t do a lot for your self-esteem to put all that down on paper. “Well that’s great.” I thought “Now what? All I have to show for this list is a clearer perspective on how much I suck.” On my list I saw people who I wished I could apologize to. Some I had apologized to but I still carried it around. A few I had even asked for God to forgive me for, and yet they still stuck with me. After all this time, I couldn’t help but wonder if forgiveness is even possible or is it just a nice thought that makes our own regrets seem more palatable. Looking at this list made me realize that if there is a God, he may or may not forgive me, and there really isn’t much I can do about that other than lay it at his/her feet and say “Thy will be done.” When it comes to asking for others to forgive us some will, and some won’t. There are no guarantees there either. The only thing we have control over is the ability to forgive ourselves.

I decided to dance with my list. To really look at each issue and confront it for what it really was no matter how uncomfortable it made me. I promised myself I wouldn’t make excuses or place blame on anyone else. I would own all 28 of them.

What started as a really uncomfortable honest look at my life, turned into something I would never have imagined. I came away feeling as though I was perfectly flawed, as if my life was not being lived if it was mistake free. In any given moment I am making choices based on the tools I have in that moment. What will turn out to be an obvious stupid choice to me 10 years from now probably isn’t so obvious to me now or I would be making a better choice. These are my mistakes and my lessons and I felt happy to have lived them, and to have learned from them. These mistakes are what make me who I am and you who you are. The good choices we make are part of who we are, just as the bad choices we make are part of who we are, but the bad choices can only go from being a burden to a gift if we face them, live the lesson learned and let it go.

When I finally finished dancing with my list I ran to the store and bought 4 helium filled balloons. On each I wrote the things I had forgiven myself for. Where I wrote someone’s name underneath it I wrote “thank you” because I realized that I had learned a valuable life lesson from how I dealt with that person, even if the lesson was I will never treat someone like that again. Or maybe it’s because the people I meet in my future will benefit from the mistakes I made while I knew you. And that’s a gift I wanted to thank them for giving me. On the top of each balloon I wrote “let it go”.

I waited until it got dark before I released my balloon. I didn’t want to watch them slowly fade in the distance, to me that was like trying to hold on to something I no longer needed. In the dark I could let them go and they would be gone. As I walked into the field I told all the people on my balloons that I could no longer carry the blame or the guilt on their behalf. I had done it for too long and they could forgive me or not, but it was time I forgave myself.

We dance with complete abandon when no one is watching. We can scream at the universe when no one is listening, and we can free ourselves when we seek forgiveness from the only one who can truly give it.